17.5 Things To Do With £17.50
I spent a balmy summer's evening the other night at a local hostelry which left me with a moral dilemma. I was in the company of a few good fellows, for which it has become a monthly tradition to meet up and catch up - subject to prior approval from our wives of course. The hostelry in question won last year's CAMRA award for Hertfordshire's best real ale pub, which is an added bonus, but isn't the real reason we meet there.
Actually it is, but we also like the fact that it doesn't have plasma TVs or music playing* which means we get to have a good old chinwag and put the world to rights. Being male, the rules for the evening are quite simple:
1. All ale must be supped in pints and be ironically named
Fursty Ferret, Plucking Pheasant and Marston's Merrie Monk have guested previously. The other night we all got Bitter and Twisted.
2. Anyone wearing a loud and lairy shirt should expect loud and lairy comments
3. All electronic equipment must be switched ON
4. Conversation of a serious nature must be interrupted by jokes and boyish banter
Bad news, like a death in the family, will of course require extra thought on the comedic timing.
5. At some point in the evening, one person must purchase a bag of pork scratchings to the derision of all
At our recent gathering we pretty much stuck to these principles. We talked extensively about the world cup - although I thought the Robert Green jokes crossed the line - worked out a solution to the Mexican Gulf oil spill disaster - it's amazing what you can do with enough beer mats - and then we turned our attention to the current economic crisis. Meaning there were too many of us present to get a round in each, so we started a kitty.
Come closing I was nominated to keep the remnants of the kitty until our next outing. I like to think it's because they thought I was the most trustworthy person there, but I have a suspicion it's because I was the last person there.
Walking home, light-headed from the responsibility of holding the vast sum of £17.50, I got to thinking, 'Apart from beer and salted snacks, what does £17.50 get you these days?' A not-so-quick search of the internet the next day gave me the answer.
So, for your delight and delectation, or amazement that a grown man can be so sad, here are my totally factual, top seventeen and a half things to buy with £17.50:
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Steve's Top 17.5 Things To Buy With £17.50
1. £17.50 will get you 3% of the way to Timbuktu. Provided you hop off twenty pence short National Express will take you almost as far as the ferry terminal at Dover. Then it's thumbs up from the other 2343 miles.
2. It will get you a year's subscription to Rabbiting On magazine. This month's edition has features on 'Life After Amputation', 'When Rabbits Fall Out' and 'Who Ate My bunny?'**
3. It's sufficient to pay one of the monthly payments towards a wig made from real human hair. Unfortunately the hair comes from Brazil and payment requires a credit card (£17.50 = R$45). This is likely to raise difficult questions when your partner sees Brazilian and hair on your shared monthly statement.
4. £17.50 will buy two tickets for Wimbledon (evening returns are only £5 each). After spooning out for two punnets of strawberries (£2.25 each) you'll have enough money left for a souvenir. Three tennis balls cost £3 - they're used, but at least you know where they've been, if that doesn't put you off.
5. Teach yourself sequence dancing with an instructional DVD starring the ever popular Ted and Sue Burroughs. According to the sales pitch, it has 'all the right moves for your favourite songs.' Needless to say, Stand By Your Man, Edelweiss and that classic dance floor anthem Agadoo don't feature highly on my iPod.
6. As a treat for the wife, 'Butlers in the Buff - the male order company' offer a visiting champagne breakfast service. Unfortunately the high hourly rate for a hunk means it's doubtful he'll have time to do more than pop his cork.
7. Want to trade up from pork scratchings? What better than to order some gourmet belly pork from the Queen's official curer. The last time I had belly pork was when we cooked communal meals in a shared flat at college. When my flatmate discovered a nipple on his crackling, it cured us of belly pork forever.
8. A year's subscription to the Eddie Stobart Member's Club costs £15, leaving ample funds for a genuine rubber Eddie Stobart key ring from their comprehensive souvenir catalogue. Membership comes with a Spotter Guide detailing every vehicle name, number and type in Eddie's fleet. Hours of fun for all the family.
9. £17.50 buys a bottle of Avocado Mist. A conditioner that has 'a stunning smell better then Channel No5...contains aloe vera extracts...and leaves a fabulous shine.' It ought to for that price. Apparently it's also 'excellent for all long haired breeds, tails and manes...and you don't need to worry about sliding saddles.' Better strike that one off your partner's Christmas list.
10. This 'Luxury Plus Holiday Home' is a bargain at £17.50pp per week and offers '25% more space than older model caravans with a higher quality interior, a stylish and contemporary design and the extra convenience of a microwave.' Just stock up on Ginsters microwavable pasties before you go.
11. PartyRama.co.uk are offering ten inflatable pirate swords for £17.50. They claim the sword inflates to a full 30 inches. With a weapon that big, what more could a man want, or a woman for that matter?
12. Fat Face have a 'one size fits whoever's head happens to be that size' white beaded trilby made from 100% paper. A snip at £17.50. Just don't wear it outside as it's 'not suitable for wet weather.'
13. The paperback edition of Home Workshop Guns For Defense and Resistance - .22 Machine Pistol Edition is available on Amazon and has everything you need should you ever feel the need to vigorously defend your property. If you do, then those poor moles won't know what's hit them.
14. £17.50 is enough to hire a private investigator to stare at someone's property for half an hour. Round here, Neighbourhood Watch do it for free. The same firm offer a debt collection service. They say it comes with a 'free money belt' for each debtor...sorry, that should read 'belting'.
15. One for the kids. Give them a taste of your own childhood with a selection of retro sweets. £17.50 buys an entire jar of Anglo Bubbly, and a jar of Blackjacks, and one filled with Fruit Salad. A combo-retro-sweet deal in more ways than one. Well worth chewing over.
16. Being kitty money, why not sponsor an African lion for a month through ALERT - the African Lion and Environmental Research Trust - who promote 'sustainable lion conservation'? £17.50 will pay for Zulu, Rusha or Rundi. Personally, I'd prefer to sponsor Luangwa - he's got that cute 'I could kill you with one swipe' look I find appealing in my lions. Unfortunately, he's the mane man so he's a fiver more.
17. Or you could learn Maori with a Talk Now CD-ROM. In fact you could choose one of many languages to learn for the same price. Swahili appeals, as does Burmese, but the benefit of learning Maori is that you get to learn Navajo for free. From the pictures all you need do is remove your Maori bandana and voila, you speak Navajo!
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I promised seventeen and a half things to do with the kitty money, so I'd hate to short change anyone. Hence, I've half a mind to stick to what will in the end be best for my health and most likely to put best ale in my glass. So, after much deliberation and internet searching, the kitty money will have to remain beer kitty money...
...although sequence dancing to Agadoo is rather tempting.
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*Except when the morris dancers are on day release from their sanitarium. (back)
**Okay, maybe one of those isn't quite true. (back)